Abstract: This was more of a journal entry from when I felt really hurt from the Church and was confused about my sexuality. I tried my best to stray away from emotion and use logic because religion & sexuality are often not spoken about enough in the same conversation. I would probably want to still include what specifically breaks me away from the Church and how I overcame it because it would help build why I feel disconnected from the religious community.

Stuck In Both Worlds

Christianity is often described as a religion, in which those a part of believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and follow the teachings of Christ. That’s a simplified version of Christianity and there’s so much more to the life of Christ that I can pay my respects to. Christianity used to be less of a label I associated myself with because I grew up in the Catholic church. But, Catholicism is a branch of Christianity, and most, including me, get confused with all Christian branches. We all still believe in Jesus, right? Even if we have the same beliefs, I guess I am different from the rest of the Christian’s I do know, because I’m gay. I’m stuck in the world they say, but maybe I am just both.

Back in 2021, I fell in love with Jesus when I met myself near the doors of death after an overdose. I gave my life to Christ and devoted myself in following the ways Chirst lived His life on Earth. Consistently going to church and educating myself on who God is, answering my never-ending questions, and meeting God through prayer; I felt closer and more faithful to God.  Nevertheless, my relationship with God has been complicated because I’m bisexual. Being a part of the LGBTQ+ community is something I take pride in. I am not ashamed of who I am until I am placed in a label of “homosexuality” when I meet with God on Sunday’s in the church. The place where you’re supposed to build your relationship in depth, within a community of people who have the same beliefs as you, often breaks me apart into pieces. Questioning who I am and what am I doing here as a sinner? Am I a sinner because of my sexuality, and where in the Bible does it say so? What if we are just interpreting the Bible differently and have various perspectives of the Word of God? But, everyone in the Church says, “The Word of God is clear”. So, where do I fit in these filled spaces where I carry guilt and uncertain pressure of who I’m supposed to be? 

Homosexuality sounds preternatural coming from someone in the Church, because their intentions of using that word as a description of who we are is more of an insult. In spite of that, when I am standing near another friend of mine, who happens to be gay, they never see me as someone who will spit Bible verses at them for who they are. Maybe that’s biased because I am both bisexual and Christian. I find myself caught up in both worlds when the Word specifically says in 1 John 2:15-17, “Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world-the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does-comes not from the Father but from the world”. So, am I a fool to believe that I can have this love for the same gender, and love Christ at the same time? His salvation has been everything to me, but I go back and forth with internalized homophobia which destroys my self-identity for being a part of “that” community.

I was certain of my sexuality once I craved having my first kiss with a girl at 10 years old. It was like a rush going through my body when I met with my crush in the same bathroom, because we could, we were both girls, and we kissed. Kissing a girl was everything to me. It was a fulfillment that everyone told me I would have with a boy- this was superior. Accelerating these feelings of self discovery, I felt authentic and connected to who I was; to who I am. To 

walking with allies at my first Youth Pride was more than everything to me. In the middle of nowhere in Manhattan, I deeply felt delighted to accompany others to join together for the power of love. But, a glimpse into the Church, to find a perception of acknowledgment of what the community could be, is something that I’ve found strenuously impossible. The Church has always had its personal division, although God unites us in that space that’s meant to be home for His children.